January 6, 2012 § Leave a comment
Today, on the Feast of the Epiphany, we celebrate a revelation and a journey.
I wonder how Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar felt as they followed a star to do homage to king. On their long travels over desert, hill, and vale, did they never waver beneath its unwavering light? Perhaps, for they were human; but we remember them because they persisted. They kept themselves open to the revelations of the moment, to inspiration, to miracle.
I think we all are in some stage of that journey in our lives, all our lives. Or we’re supposed to be. I got off track.
In my latest misadventure, I had the singular mercy of working a job that was just on the wrong side of synchronicity. Superficially, the things that came across my desk in three days of work came tailored to my interests. Antiques and travel and BritLit. Restaurants and manor-houses in Britain. Nice work, right? Perhaps, if it were mine.
The one giving the orders takes an interest in poetry, so orders a stack of annotated anthologies for someone else to page through. The little delegate at the receiving end might love Wordsworth — but there is no time to read for oneself when the task is to read for another. He needs twenty good quotes — in good time. Be quick.
I was discomfited by the remoteness of the work on both sides. It chafed against my resolution to live with intention, to actively engage with life. It was another small mercy that the job commenced at the start of a new year, when my ideals, freshly pressed, remind me to keep good posture.
So here I am. I stand straighter than I often have the nerve to. My heart aches sometimes. I am insecure. But I’d rather try to live my own life than to take something on that postpones it and suffocates my spirit.
And I can do it. I feel today that it can be well between me and the world. Between us and the future. That my heart can ache, but it can also mend. So let it ache. There is a future.
It’s time for me to follow that star inside me. I am chasing Grace. God is light.